Year End Review

I looked back through my blog today. Besides noticing that I did not write as often this year as I have in previous years I also noticed my New Years Resolution post from January. 2011 New Year's Resolution Blog It was quite interesting to read it again and think about how this year has come along.

I can actually picture a few moments when I definitely reacted rather than reflected before responding to what was happening. I can say that I feel I did better this year than last. I guess I am still a work in progress. The other night while out to dinner with my husband after a little bit of shopping he brought up a topic that let's just say I would say, "He dropped a bomb on me!" I was calm for a moment. I then expressed my utter contempt of the matter at hand. I was fuming inside and a bit of it spewed out of my mouth. Tom sat there and took the shrapnel like a man. We kept talking. Eventually we left the restaurant and drove home. Inside I wanted to be angry and yet I felt this love for my husband seeping through the barrier I had erected. While snuggling my husband before we drifted off to sleep he made a comment that I handled this better than I would have in the past. I laughed. He said there was no way in the past I would have been snuggling him but instead falling asleep in silence, cold silence. While I might not have the 'being slow to speak, think before reacting' thing totally down, I am told I am getting better at it. Phew!

I definitely went through the forgiveness and healing journey that I set out on. I am so thankful that I am free of the hurt, anger and bitterness that had settled into my heart and soul in regards to my father and my first husband. The journey was more of a process that included healing and letting go. It was only after I had let go that the forgiveness settled in. In the past I have said the words "I forgive" and yet in the moment I said and the ones following I still felt the same pain and anger that I had felt before. It seemed as though just forgiving them was not going to cut it. There was much that I had to process and work through. A lot that I had to simply let go of. I came to the realization that holding onto the judgement of their sin was only hurting and weighing me down. In no way was it actually punishing them. In fact it was punishing the ones I love the most when it came out in how I treated them! This was hard to admit. After admitting it, allowing myself to let it all go and actually forgiving myself for holding onto anger and bitterness, I found there was room for peace to flood into my life. I had not realized just how much room the anger was taking up. Once removed I had all of this space for joy! Unbelievable joy!

All in all I would say it was a very productive year and I am thrilled with the progress of my resolutions. I wonder what 2012 will bring...........